lake weekOK, I’m a naughty bad slack poster, and there are far too many stories to tell in the time I have. It’s T-minus 7 hours until we hit the road for the Northern Mountains and a week of going nowhere we can’t float.

The highlights:
Our beach trip from months ago was a day trip. Meaning we rode 3 hours to the beach in our bathing suits, frolicked in the water and on the sandy shore, got some sun, got pounded by modest waves, played catch, got some beer, and had seafood at an oceanside crab shack. There was no hotel room, no cabana, no nice place to rinse and change. So, we changed in the icky public outhouse and rode home in whatever found its way into our bathing suits. For 3 hours. The phrase ’sandy vagina’ takes on new significance for me since then.

Our birds have flown the coop. I have pictures to prove they were here, but there is no more contact from the schmumpins. There is evidence they WERE here, in little white splotches on the deck. But little else, and it is sad. I hope they’re still flying (literally, here on earth and not with little angel robes and halos and crap).

We were visiting friends in VA a cuppa weekends ago, and their adorable little girl decided it was her turn for stand-up. She addressed her mom, “Knock knock.” Dutifully, mom said, “Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Orange.”

“Orange who?”

“Orange banana split eyeballs!”

And that, my friends, is the best knock-knock joke of the year.

Shrinking Piggies has finished its 6-month challenge! Go show some love and comment on the recent wrap-up stories, mine is coming after b’cation. Unless we find some wiffy up in them thar hills, in which case I might post mine, as I don’t have any unread books in hand. None of us except for the inimitable NCP have reached our stated goal, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t good progress. I’m proud of us Piggies, and for sticking to the program no matter what. I’m partway there, plus I’ve taken up wogging – so far so good still. We’re up to 5-3-2-5-3-3-2-5 for a workout (alternate walking and jogging, walking first), and it’s getting easier the more times we do it. Next week is scheduled to have a 20 minute jog, and there is much trepidation.

There be more stories, but I leave you with the one of the creepy pool guy. We were enjoying our local community pool a cuppa weeks ago. It’s a big pool with a very deep end, a diving board, dinky water slide, and several joyless lifeguards. The little kids and their attendant adults were in the shallow end, and the adventurous kids were doing daring dives into the deep, and we were in the middle playing catch with a frisbee ring. Between us and the deep end, lurking at the rope that marked the 6-to-12-foot point, was a young man in a swim mask. I say young, Tiff says he had grey hair. At any rate, he never took off the mask, was alone, and between occasional swims from side to side of the pool, he would spend great gulps of time underwater. Looking. Looking at my shapely, pasty, hairy legs for all I know. Trying to glimpse some bouyant bits perhaps. It gave us the serious jibblies, for he spent over an hour in this fashion. I contemplated flipping an underwater bird his way just to see what would happen, but I chickened out (get it?).

That’s all the news I have time for, because there’s miles of packing between me & sleep. Take care, talk amongst yourselves, and seeya in a week or so!

I’m pretty obviously bad at blogging. Must start keeping a notebook and writing in it.

There are a half dozen drafts in the hopper, with outlines to trigger my aging memory. The details get fuzzy, you see. My next post will feature a great many things, such as the best knock-knock joke of the year, the creepy pool guy, sandy vaginas, wogging, high-speed pursuits, working with dumb people, picking buggy corn, a lunchtime roadtrip and history lesson, ruining a perfectly good vacuum, drill sergeants as childcare workers, and the graduation of the schmumpins.

But for today, you get this lovely little tune which has been firmly stuck between my ears for about two weeks. You’re welcome.

slingbladeHowdy from the Great Lake State, where it’s 20 degrees cooler than home, and full of the people and landmarks of my yoot. I’m on a quick visit to see some friends & family, hardly enough time for online shenanigans what with a dozen connections to make in 3 days. But my cousin and computer genius Jason is helping me get some stuff done, and I can wiffy while I wait. He’s for rent if you need yourself a computer genius – let me know and I’ll connect ya.

So why not? So, in no particular order, some nuggets of news:

Thanks to one of my most dearest friends, wordnerd, for new birfday wishes! Calendar schmalendar, eh?

We went to the beach a cuppa weekends ago, and there be some great times to report. Full details forthcoming if there’s popular demand. If anyone asks about sand, I may be forced to share some embarrassing details.

I’m driving a brand new rented Dodge Charger for this trip, since Tinkerbell was making ominous noises and Lurch both has very bad mileage and a problematic lack of cruise control. 13 hours each way calls for at least foot relief. Ass relief is another matter…

My dad invited me to stay with him for the trip, which is nice and generous. It’s no Bellagio, but the company’s good.

It’s graduation season, and I got to attend my niece’s 8th grade matriculation last night. It was fairly typical of the other middle school graduations I’ve experienced, having been through my 2 kids’ and my own. However, there was one enormous difference (besides the family behind me that talked nonstop through the entire event, despite repeated shushes from multiple annoyed neighbors): The assistant principal was the MC, and kept things moving pretty well, introducing the speakers and making good applause moments for staff and students. When it came time to hand out the completion certificates, he asked for people to hold their applause until each row of students completed the processional (about 1/3 of the class per row) – to ‘keep things dignified, and keep it moving.’ However, after certain names were called, clumps of the audience would scream ‘woooo!’ and ‘you go zameeka!’ and ‘you so hot girl!’

After 70 kids made their way across the stage, this was beyond getting old. Of course, some kids’ posses were obediently silent, so obviously the ones who received the whoops and cheers were loved more…

Is it just me, or are these events getting more unruly?

Time to git, I have a baseball game in Charlotte tonight. Tomorrow: Breakfast with dad, a date with my daughter, and a ball game and dinner with my boy, who graduates high school this week. Congratulations N, I’m proud of you!

Top 40 LogoThe circumstances surrounding my birth are cloudy; there was no camera, no video. I didn’t think to bring a notebook, so the details are fuzzy, to say the least. The only evidence that it happened at all is my presence in this world, and a little piece of official-looking paper. Oh, and a handful of witnesses, including Mom and Dad.

This all happened 40 years ago today, in a hospital that is not yet named for me.

Since then, I’ve seen sights, done stuff, eaten things, collected far more friends than enemies, and worked at more jobs than most people twice my age. So far so good!

Forty carries some significance, I’m told. People have mistaken me for being 43 for the last 5 years, so I don’t think anything will change. I feel no different, and have never dreaded any turn of the calendar page. It’s amusing to me that I’m entering my 5th decade in life; I’ve never given aging a whole lot of thought, choosing to deal with stuff as it comes up. I met a non-surgically-modified 57 year old last week who could pass for 41, and I intend to copy her.

My most significant birthdays to date:

0, for Original. All the others depend on this one. I’m told it went smoothly, but I don’t remember a thing.

7: Mom put together a terrific back yard party with friends and activities. I remember it mostly because there’s film evidence. It was great, until I turned into a fantastic douche, throwing a tantrum because other kids were having more fun than I. Somehow, the party (and hopefully my personality) were saved from that burst of narcissism.

13: There was a sleepover party with 5 friends, which featured TPing one kid’s house, a light-smashing and tooth-removing pillow fight, staying up all night hopped up on Orange Crush and Cheetos, and a nasty Tobasco and shaving cream potion for the poor schmuck who fell asleep first. The next day, there was a parking lot amusement park that we visited, and I can tell you spinny rides do not mix well with that diet and sleep deprivation.

16: I was standing in line at the Secretary of State the moment they opened to collect my License to Freedom. I think there was cake too, but it was far behind being able to drive (legally, anyway).

18: Old enough to vote and be drafted.

21 was a bit odd, there was no drinking binge (friends and family of the time were teetotalers) and no big event that I recall. Had just returned from a honeymoon at that point, found out there was a youngster on the way, begun house shopping, and was earning $5.50 per hour.

All my adult birthdays have been spent pretty quietly with family and friends, and all but one have been a great time. I’ve never put a whole lot of big-dealedness into it, and enjoy whatever comes.

Since letting the weeds grow at the ol’ site, I’ve gotten out of the writing habit. I still count my online friends to be some of the best, most genuine and caring folks around, and appreciate the birfday wishes! Thank you!

Thanks also Tiff, Ron, & Mojo for ramping up the party!

Tell me your best birthday story, wouldja? Birthday suit optional.

I haven’t darkened the door of my own blog in a while, so I thought I’d pop in and see if the furniture’s where I left it.

So far so good.

I took this test over at Tiff’s, and it’s eerie how accurate it is. I could write a post about the results, but I shan’t; I’m in no mood to analyze myself today. Nonetheless: Friggin’ eerie!


You Are 7: The Enthusiast


You are outgoing and playful – always seeing the happy side to life.

You’re enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new.

Multi-talented, you do many things well… and find success easy.

You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.

At Your Best: You are deeply involved in each experience. You appreciate life for what it is, and you take the time to enjoy each moment.

At Your Worst: You are greedy, self centered, impulsive, and insatiable.

Your Fixation: Gluttony

Your Primary Fear: Deprivation and pain

Your Primary Desire: To be satisfied and content

Other Number 7’s: Howard Stern, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, and Jenny McCarthy.

*****
In other news, I’ve picked up a new cuss I’m using at every occasion: Fairy Godmother! I like it because it’s an all-ages swear, and just about as satisfying to belch out as any other motherfuckin’ word.
*****
Today we went to the NC Renn Faire, and it was a grand olde hoot. It’s in our veritable back yard, only a 3 mile drive from hither to yon at an olde golfe course. The neighbors were aghast, because they bought expensive condos on a golf course. This golf course went kaput, like they do, so it’s been a fallow field of formerly flossy grass until this weekend. THIS weekend, hordes of trinket-selling, 16th-century bedecked vendors descended upon the place and turned it into a colorful tent city. And they brought sword-fighting knights, wandering minstrels, a beer tent bard (and beer wenches, with the requisite impossibly amplified bustiers), smithies, jugglers, fools, and a giant vat of good humor. And horses. The neighbors neighed mightily about the horses, but alas, the permits went through and there went their neighborhood.
Parking was a breeze, as long as you don’t mind walking a mile in the hot sun and the mud that comes after 3 days of torrential rain.
We enjoyed ourselves thoroughly, dressed in our variations on highlander, leper, or American kid themes. A sword cane was purchased, several performances including swordfights and jousts taken in, and traditional faire fare such as funnel cake, sausage onna bun, and lemonade were consumed. The only hiccup was in the gimp department – one of our troupe has suffered a broken foot, and the crutches were torture on the hilly mud. I ran to the nearest Home Depot to get a garden cart for to tow the injured youngster, which extended our stay by 3 hours.
I highly recommend the faire, it’s still going on for another week or so. If you’re passing through, I’d be happy to go again and show you the sights.
*****
And that’s all the news I’m printing for today, as supper is about to be on (hey, it’s only 9:13 PM). Ask me how to make killer hummus, sour cream apple pie, or Chicken Saag if you like, they’re the best recent recipes I have.
*****
PS – Shrinking Piggies keep on truckin’! If I don’t make halfway to goal by next week, I may be sporting some additional baldness!
PPS - Wordsmiths Unlimited has a wee writing challenge for you, go write something! You have until Tuesday!

I’ve been waiting around for something to write about, since my daily life isn’t all that newsworthy most days. Of course, this being a blog means I can blather anytime about anything and nobody will arrest me. But today is extra special, and it displaces the rant I was brewing about douchey people. Which is OK, since I have to see some of these people from time to time and perchance they could stumble by here and become even more douchey toward me, which wouldn’t make me happy and lead to more blog posts and further douchieness until eventually my little corner of the world looks like Palestine after the Palestinians got there, and who wants that? Nobody, that’s who.

This humble reporter is writing from a cozy 56 degree office. Why so chilly on a chill rainy day, you ask? Well, pull up a Snuggie and I’ll tell you the story. We were snug as bugs in a duvet, just beginning to stir from a long winter’s nap (went to bed around 9 last night), and it was still dark outside. Which is as you’d expect at 5 or so during Daylight Savings Time. I shuffled out to turn up the heat a bit, brush my teeth, and brew some coffee. Just then, the lovely Tiff came out, wrinkled her nose, and asked if I smelled smoke. Why, yes I did, now that you mention it – something like a fried circuit, which is an aroma I know pretty well. We pointed our noses into every corner of the house and tried to find the source. I felt around the piles of electronic stuff in the teevee rack and the computer desk, checked lights and fans and cell phone chargers and toasters and everything that plugs in. Nothing was hot or particularly smelly. But the odor wasn’t going away.

Finally, after a half hour of searching, including waving flashlights around the roof and crawlspace, I called the fire department’s non-emergency number and described what was going on. “I don’t think it’s an emergency, but we can smell smoke in the kitchen,” I told the operator. She said she’d have someone check it out. Two minutes (!) later, emergency-types were showing up. The first one on the scene was a cop, who couldn’t seem to locate our address and went to the end of the block looking on the wrong side of the street. He didn’t notice my flashlight waving in his window. Moments later, the fire chief pulled up and I told him we’d called, and repeated my message to the dispatcher. Then a flock of sirens rounded the bend and two fire engines whirred up the street, spilling out fully equipped firefighters as they squeaked to a stop. A dozen large men with helmets and SCBA gear and boots and coats were looking intently at the house, while a captain came inside to investigate. The neighbor across the street stood on his porch to shout/ ask if we were alright, and lights came on in another house down the block. By this time the young men o’ the house had been rustled up and watched with bleary eyes while people trouped in and out of the living room.

wffinestThe captain said he smelled cinnamon. That’s nicer than some smells you could have in a house, but we hadn’t called the fire department because of potpourri. Failing to locate any smoke or fire, he sent a guy to fetch an infrared camera. It didn’t work, so they fetched another one. I peered over the firefighter’s shoulder as he pointed it around, looking for bright spots – indications of fire behind walls. He was very interested in the alarm clock, which Tiff turned on its face so as not to bother her with unimportant things like the time. It wasn’t the problem, but it was lots warmer than the rest of the room. A complete scan of all the rooms and the electrical panel turned up a whole basket of nothing.

They asked if the heat was working, and it had been all night – although we did have 2 outfits come to quote a replacement unit. The last time we had it serviced, the technician said the heat exchanger was getting thin, and our brand of package unit was known for not lasting very long. It’s 10 years old, so he said we could count on having to replace it in the next year or so. The captain asked us to turn up the heat to see if everything was OK, while a few firefighters were outside to see what it did. The furnace fired up, the exhaust fan whooshed to life, but no air was moving in the house. Then the smell came back. Everyone nodded agreement and wrinkled their noses, because now we had a stunning bouquet of electrical smoke. Apparently the blower fan has jammed, causing the motor to burn up.

I apologized for making everyone get all dressed up for nothing, but all I talked to assured us that it was no problem and this is what they are here for. One guy said he’d rather have busy days and quiet nights, but it doesn’t work out like that – and the problem we had is something they’ve seen about 8 times in the last year. Everyone who showed up was very professional and it was evident they took things seriously. Wake Forest’s Finest were happy to go back to the station, and we were happy they didn’t have to use the axes or hoses they brought along.

We get a new furnace on Tuesday. Good thing we have lots of blankets, as it’s not supposed to be 70 degrees again in the next week…

feb-wordsmiths“There, that should do it,” announced Jerry to his long-suffering wife. He climbed down from the scaffolding, squinted into the setting sun, and handed an overstuffed toolbag to Evelyn. She was already carrying a flashlight, spanner, spud wrench, and oil-soaked rags, but she silently shifted her load and accepted the new burden.

She was accustomed to the long hours of an obsessive tinker’s pack mule. Jerry had always been a mix of mad scientist, dim-witted inventor, and benign mastermind. Her mother quipped when they were courting, “That boy stays awake nights trying to figure out how to get more sleep.”

Long ago, he had rigged the ranch with a perimeter wire and rigged each sheep with a small battery-powered collar, so an alarm would sound whenever one crossed the line. Later, he devised a system for measuring the rate of grass growth using a complex network of jigs, strings, magnifying glasses, and magnetic latches. He insisted it would help him prepare for the inevitable drought, which never came, but might someday.

But in the twilight of his life, he had become more driven to complete – no, perfect – his pet projects. His latest creation’s purpose seemed a mystery to even him, but he was certain of its importance. “It’s critical we keep this thing out of the wrong hands, or even the wrong paws.” He had scoured the property for timbers of just the right strength, length, and curve, dragging them (with Evelyn’s help, of course) miles from their various resting spots to the sacred hill. He had Evelyn remove the windmill’s drive chain while he dismantled the old pontoon boat. She kept her concerns to herself while she pumped the well by hand for the first time in decades, dutifully bringing his meals out to the hill each day. She caught a glimpse of him taking a small figure from a mahogany box and suspending it inside a cage of sorts, but he shifted to block her view. The weeks swirled by until finally, this day, Jerry would retire this project in order to begin the next one.

She had hoped for an explanation or even a clue to what this chore was for, but none came. He simply dusted his hands off and left her to trail after him toward home. She stared a moment, shrugged, and fell in behind him for the short walk across the island.

lurch-wtfI’m doing my part lately to help the service sector of the economy.

Yesterday I brought my work van, formerly named Ed (for reasons I can’t quite remember), back to the dealer’s shop to fix the same problem it had when I brought it to them in December. Around 45-55 MPH, it would shudder and lurch. I feared a new transmission would be in our future, but they ran tests and cat scans and whatever else they do in the cavernous exam room and gave me a laundry list of minor items. Minor, except for the $600 total bill. All that work fixed the issue for about a week. It was better, but not gone – and it steadily got worse until I finally made another appointment. This time they fixed it all the way, and it only cost $250.

I’m still calling it Lurch, for romantic reasons.

Do you name your vehicles, or is it just us? Do tell.

Today I visited my new dentist. She is highly recommended, and I’ve always had relatively good experiences with dentists (although I have to consciously unclench my hands and shoulders and feet and neck and cheeks (all of them) several times during each procedure). Today was Initial Exam Day, even though I’d been there once before for a toothache, which went away on its own. I’ve never had so many pictures taken of my gob, from 16 X-rays to photojournalist-style mug shots to really really really closeups – all digital, with a viewing screen mounted on the chair. Freaky.

After the photos came the measuring, which is a code word for poking sharp tools into the gums until a) the tool stops, b) blood flows, c) the patient screams, or d) all of the above. That was a whole creel o’ fun right there, can’t wait to do it again.

The result of all this poking, suctioning, examining, and photographing? Dr. Dentist wants me to buy her a new boat, or maybe pay for a new jacuzzi in her cottage/ mansion. She says all my silver fillings, collected  before my 17th birthday, are cracking my teeth and showing decay around the meeting of tooth and metal. My (previously apparently healthy) teeth need all sorts of rejiggering and scraping and even replacing in one case, to the tune of about $11,000, which doesn’t include the $260 for today’s visit. My new dental insurance doesn’t cover even 10% of that.

I’m now collecting recipes for gruel and soup. I wonder if I can get all my meals in a shake?capn-shake

geese_poop_lake_1It’s already Sunday night, which is both sad and good. It was a great weekend, and it’d be nice to have it go another day or two.

Saturday, I got up early (because I was done sleeping, even though I tried) and balanced my checkbook over fresh coffee, before anyone else was awake. Great stacks of pancakes with freshly made apple compote followed – better than anything they could dish out at IHOP or the Methodist pancake breakfast. From there it was cleaning and fixing up bits of the house, trimming a sticky door and making some progress on a ceiling patch, a bit of yardly work, and a trip to (as Jeff Kay calls it) this exclusive club where we shop. I don’t think I’ve ever been in that place without it costing over $100. We got a bunch done with our day, but it didn’t seem all that busy – all at a liesurely ‘feel like it’ pace.

We had the last of the Omaha Steaks gift box for dinner – burgers over charcoal, with a packet of potatoes and onions and Momma Tiff’s Corn Casserole. OMG it was good. If you ask nicely, I bet she’ll share the recipe.

Neither of us go in for the big to-do of Valentime’s Day, and we each got what we wanted out of yesterday: A day at home doing whatever we wanted. And nobody got killed by a USB dongle-goblin.

Speakinna charcoal, I made these killer fire starters a couple weeks ago. I think I got this recipe from my dad, but I don’t recall him ever having them – he just told me the idea. Take a fiberboard egg carton (18 or 24 egg size), a block of paraffin, and a few cups of sawdust. Melt the paraffin (put the wax in a coffee can, and put the can in a shallow pan of near-boiling water for about 10 minutes), stir in sawdust until it’s a thick paste, and scoop into the egg carton. Cover the top with dry sawdust and pat down.  When they cool, you break one ‘egg’ off, light a bit of the carton, and it’ll blaze long enough to start any firepit, fireplace, or charcoal chimney. No lighter fluid, newspaper, or kindling to mess with. Sure, you can buy firestarters, but why?

Today I got to play with the band, which is always fun. These folks are some of the best musicians I’ve ever played with (which is saying something), and they all have a good sense of humor. I got a bug to make spaghetti for lunch, so that’s what I set out to do. However, I just HAD to make Tiny House Bolognese sauce, which takes about 40 minutes to cook and 2 hours to simmer. So we had sushi and PB&J for lunch while the sauce cooked.

After a brief nap, it was still a beautiful and cool afternoon with some time to kill, so we went out tennising. And duck feeding. A whole sack of wild critter food and another sack of old bread were sacrificed to a very well-fed flock of waterfowl. This time the seagulls didn’t even come around, I think because they were too full to fly. Everyone and their half-brother was at that park today, as evidenced by a) the number of people there, b) the full parking lot, and c) the overstuffed trash cans which contained hundreds of bread and popcorn bags. Each of us got to touch the inside of a goose’s beak via hand-feeding.

ATC* has decided it’s time to quit typing and start petting. He’s sitting on my mouse. So bye.

*Albert The Cat

Tiny House Bolognese
This is a very thick & rich meat sauce that will make your house smell good for 2 days. Well worth the effort!
Ingredients:

  • 3 Tbs olive oil
  • 3 Tbs butter
  • 1 onion, finely chopped
  • 2 large carrots, shredded
  • 2 celery stalks, finely chopped
  • ½ lb ground beef
  • ½ lb Italian sausage
  • 1 ½ cups dry white wine (red works too)
  • ½ cup half-and-half
  • Oregano, nutmeg, salt & pepper
  • 1 cup crushed tomatoes
  • 1-2 cups diced tomatoes

Directions:

  1. Heat olive oil and butter together. Sautee onion over medium-high heat until it is a light golden color.
  2. Add carrot and celery and continue sautéing until they begin to change color.
  3. Add meat, breaking it up as you stir. Add salt and pepper. Cook until well-browned and slightly crispy.
  4. Slowly add wine and cook until it is evaporated.
  5. Add cream and 1/8 tsp nutmeg and cook until most of the cream is evaporated – about 2-3 minutes.
  6. Add tomatoes and stir in 1 tbsp oregano. Cook until tomatoes start to bubble, and turn heat to low. Cover and simmer for 2 hours, stirring occasionally.
  7. Serve over spaghetti or noodles of choice.

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